for when you want to escape

 
Yesterday, I read this quote with a smile. 

"Amen, sister!" I thought. 

But when I re-read it today, I got angry. No one would take a nap. The baby had been screaming all morning. The preschooler's antics were simply enervating. I'm tired. My husband had been working all weekend, and I felt like I hadn't had a moment to exhale.

Every ounce of my being was screaming, 

"But I need a break! I deserve some peace and quiet! My family is driving me crazy! When do I get some me time?!" 

And I'm throwing a big ol' pity party all by my lonesome. 

But Brenneman is right. 

In those moments when my sanity is hanging by a thread, running from my family anywhere else is simply not the answer. Instead, what I need to do is deny my self and run straight to the cross.

Wise women have told me that parenting is part of the sanctification process. Our children refine us by their actions (or inaction), words, and behavior. We discover our weaknesses while mothering our children. Honestly, despite my red hair, I never knew I had a temper until a toddler tested me.

 

When we're walking through the refining fires, it's tempting to want to escape. It's too hot. We hurt. We're exhausted. The weight of it all is too much for us. And it is if we try to do it on our own.  

We can't be the best mothers unless we seek God's help in the process. Our children refine us to His glory when we choose to run to God for help rather than escape the flames. 

Escape is not always the best answer.

That's not to say we don't all need some quiet time alone for introspection and reflection. I need it desperately. What I mean is that it's easy to throw in the towel, hand the baby to hubby, and announce your departure: "Good luck! I'm outta here!"

When I'm tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that's heaped on my plate, that's when I need to run to Jesus for comfort.

Our families should be our joy. 
Our homes should be the only place we want to be.
Our lives should be spent honoring Christ as our first priority.

We should be sad inside when we're separated from our children or our husbands, not jumping up and down in glee that we have some time to ourselves.

Those are hard words to hear, I know, because they're hard for me to type. The world tells us children are a burden, that we "deserve" our time because it will make us happy, and we deserve happiness. Yet, my heart has always felt guilty for wanting time alone. Now I see why. God didn't want it this way. 

I haven't arrived as a Mom. I never will. Even today, I desperately wanted to cop out, but I didn't. 

Why? 

Because I feel a beautiful change in my heart that I can only explain as the Holy Spirit working in me. He is growing my love for my family and shrinking my love of me. It's a gradual, one-step-forward two-steps-back kind of dance, but as I cling to Him in the midst of rough days like today, I see the moments where He was moving: pulling me to Him when I wanted to run, making me smile when my kids acted silly, stirring up laughter just when we all were crumbling.

Instead of checking out when life becomes challenging, instead of complaining about the sparse time I have for myself, instead of demanding that I be happy, I'm learning-- day to day, with God's help-- to deny myself, cling to the cross, and look for moments of peace here in this place.  

In my home. 
Among my family. 
Surrounded by those I love most. 
With Christ in our midst.

This is where I'm supposed to be. 


What about you? Specifically for those of you who have found peace and joy being at home among your family rather than out in the world, how have you done it? What advice do you have for a young mom of little ones who craves a quiet space but also desperately wants to continue growing in love for her family?

May God continue to richly bless you!

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Related posts:
Battling Entitlement in Our Homes
When I Feel Like I Deserve _____________ 
What to do When You Feel Entitled : 5 Tips to Tackle Discontent


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What to Do When You Feel Entitled : 5 Tips to Tackle Discontent

For the past two weeks I have been sharing my thoughts on entitlement, specifically addressing how we need to battle entitlement in our homes and change our attitudes about what "I deserve."

Today I want to share a few ways I'm trying to move away from this "entitled" attitude I've adopted because, as I mentioned last week, if I expect my children to have a realistic view of life and not expect everything to be handed to them or that they should always go first, then I have to begin with me. I have to present a realistic model for them that they can follow when the world tells them they deserve more.

So, how do I stop feeling entitled? How do I deny my self what I believe I deserve?

 For me, that means 5 things.

 

1. Stay in constant communication with God.

Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to "pray without ceasing." Instead of calling a friend to vent or burying my face in the phone to avoid the problem, I've got to turn to God for help. I've got to see my situation as God's will and turn to Him when I'm in doubt. I've got to keep reminding myself that I am not in control, especially when my sinful nature says, "You deserve a break; just let the house work go", or when I grumble and complain about my unruly kids as if God cheated me somehow.

And you know what? When I'm walking beside Him, seeking His help, and focusing on what He wants for me rather than what I think I need, I feel peace. Oh how I want that peace . . .

2. Memorize & recite Mark 10:43-45.

Here Jesus is speaking to His disciples about what it means to be great, following James and John's request for special places in His kingdom:
 

"'...[W]hoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.'"

James and John wanted more. They weren't content with simply serving and working. They wanted to be great. Specifically, they wanted to sit beside Jesus in Heaven. As Jesus' special friends--remember they were with Jesus at the Transfiguration and a part of the "inner circle" with Peter-- they believed they were entitled to the sky box while everyone else sat in the cheap seats. But Jesus set them straight.

To be great is not to rule over others but to serve.

When selfishness creeps in and I begin to think I deserve a seat beside Jesus for all my hours of laundry folding, yogurt making, and diaper changing, remembering Jesus' words to His disciples gives me the reality check I need. He gave His life a ransom for many.

3. Get busy for the kingdom!

It's usually when I'm completely overwhelmed with my too-long to-do list that I become discontent and yearn for something more/different/better. It's then I begin to feel I deserve a vacation instead of buckling down and getting my work done.  

I need to remember that homemaking, serving my family, raising my children, loving my husband--that's kingdom work, and I need to see that work as a blessing, not a chore just to get done.

We all have work to do for the kingdom. We each have gifts to use to bring unbelievers to Christ and to build up the church. When we begin feeling entitled, that's when we need to get busy!

"God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure."

Hebrews 6:10-11

4. Take regular (or permanent) fasts from "idols."

Most of us have something--maybe someone--that we put before God. Maybe it's your spouse or children, a job you love, blogging, looking good, or running. Whatever it is, it's an idol if it consumes our time, energy, bank accounts, thoughts, etc. When we don't have a proper balance, we sacrifice what really matters just to appease our gods. We start feeling like we deserve a new dress--even though we don't have the money--or we are entitled to a raise when we aren't.

I struggle with maintaining a healthy relationship with my smartphone. I've been completely imbalanced lately, to the point that I can't wake up without first checking my email. So, I'm instituting more stringent rules on myself to be better disciplined in this area because when I'm tuned into emails and the latest pins, I'm not focusing on my husband, my kids, or my home. 

{I'll post more on the specifics of what I'm doing here in a few weeks after I finish reading Sarah Mae's "The Un-Wired Mom" and have had time to reflect.}

Identify your own idol(s) and devise a plan to tear them down. If you don't think you're "hooked" on anything, look at your bank statement or keep track of your time: write down everything you do in a 1-hour period. See where you're spending your money and/or time, and work on changing the way you relate to the things of this world. 

Life isn't about stuff; it's about spreading the good news of Jesus and making the world a better place to live.

 

5. Look for ways to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus every day (Matt. 16:24).

When I'm feeling entitled and throwing a pity party because everyone else is going to the beach but me, I've stopped surrendering all to Jesus and started expecting things. I start thinking about me and what I deserve. But Jesus didn't say, "The first shall be first." No! He said, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.

Ask God to help you identify people who you can serve. Be proactive, and look for opportunities where you can be of use. I have to stop thinking of myself first and remember that I'm not here to live a soft, cushy life for me, but to give all 100% of myself to God. To live for Him.

I don't know about you, but I'm grappling with feelings of discontent & entitlement every day. I think it's a by-product of living in this blessed country. But in order to live a life worthy of my calling, then I need to get outside myself, to deny myself what I think I deserve, and start living for others instead. It's a constant struggle but as I trust God and draw closer to Him, I'm feeling more content every day. I pray you will come to that place of peace too. Please let me know if I can pray for you.

What about you? How do you keep your "I deserves" in check?

Related Posts:

Battling Entitlement in Our Homes
When I Feel Like I Deserve _____
 

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When I Feel Like I Deserve ___________

Last week I stood on my soapbox, preaching on the war we must wage in our homes against entitlement. It's a battle that requires continual attention and constant work. If we hope to raise humble, grateful, count-your-many-blessings children, then we have to be proactive; we must have a plan; and we need direction. 

Why? Because this world we live in does not extol self-denial. 

Yet, as Christians, we are called by Christ to do that very thing if we intend to follow Him.



This week I want to share where all this starts:

with ME

My attitude, my heart, my priorities, my thoughts & actions

If I hope, in any way, to correct the assumption my children have that the world owes them something, then I must begin by addressing my own entitlement issues.

If I hope, in any way, to raise children who love Christ and desire to follow Him, then I must begin by modeling what "deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" means.

Photo Credit

Yesterday, my kids would not calm down during nap time. The oldest wanted to read more books, the middle child kept complaining about her bottom hurting (not sure what's going on there), and the baby just wouldn't settle. And I desperately needed wanted quiet time. 

In my mind, I honestly believed I deserved for them to nap so I could get some much needed rest myself. When my kids weren't compliant, I turned into the Incredible Hulk, and, boy, was it ugly. 

In my mind I thought: "This is my time. It's not fair. I deserve a break. I've been fixing food, wiping bottoms, cleaning, and mothering all morning, and I need this." 

Satan was feeding me a pack of lies that I swallowed hook, line, and sinker.

So what did I do?

I started acting like my own toddler when she doesn't get her way: I threw a full-blown temper tantrum, complete with yelling (something I've really been working on not doing), dishing out "consequences," and making threats. Not only was I being selfish, but in the moment, I felt completely justified. Afterwards, though, I felt horrible. I knew I'd messed up big time.

When we expect or believe we are entitled to something--whether it's peace & quiet, a raise, an at-a-boy for a job well done, or to go first at the intersection--we stop following Jesus and start following self. Self-denial is thrown completely out the window.




If we claim to be Jesus' disciples, we must stop acting entitled. 

We have to quit this attitude of "I deserve better." 

We must give up all notion of "me" and surrender all to Christ, knowing He alone has the power to save. 

For me, that means I need to stop thinking I'm entitled to the following:

• Quiet time
• That new book
• To take a break 
• A nicer car 
• A vacation (even a staycation)
• A bigger home
• More stylish clothes
• Children who listen & obey the first time
• More money 
• To go first

I don't deserve quiet time. I'm not entitled to a vacation or a bigger house or more stylish clothes. Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves. It's how we view them. 

Do we see these things as something we have earned, deserve, are entitled to OR as gifts from the Father of the heavenly lights (James 1:17)?

 

Photo Credit

This life has been given to me. It's a gift. I haven't earned it. I don't deserve it. I need reminding over and over again--just like my small children--that I'm a mess without God.

When I surrender EVERYTHING, I see that God gives me even more than I could comprehend. When I realize that the quiet time I want is not something I need but a gift, then I can rest in Him who knows my needs and who gives His children good gifts (Matthew 7:11).

Surrender is a daily discipline. It requires giving up what we want for the good of others. And that's hard because by nature we are selfish creatures. 

What things do you believe you're entitled to? How do you deal with your own issues of entitlement? 

Next week I will post on some ways we can deal with issues of entitlement in ourselves.

Praying God's wisdom for each of us as we strive to be His disciples here on Earth,

Previous posts on entitlement:
Battling Entitlement in Our Homes 
 

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When Being Discontent is Good

Jennie Allen's book Anything has stirred up some serious internal questions in me recently. I've been grappling for a while with feeling different, not fitting in, feeling like I can't relate to my friends any more. 

At first, I chalked it up to discontent. I'm in a different place than most people I know: choosing to homeschool has distanced me from friends who are sending their kids to local public schools. I don't invite people over for play dates or dinner because our house is small, and we don't have much space or toys or it's too dirty (insert other excuses). My daily prayer has been to be more content with what we have, to count my blessings, to get over my excuses and be hospitable anyway.

In this nation where every earthly blessing we could possibly conceive of is at our fingertips, we are missing out on the one heavenly blessing we most need: 

God

Jennie says it perfectly here: 

When I feel like I deserve to be happy, that my unhappiness from being on a different path from everyone else is unfair, that the blessings everyone else has should be mine too, then I'm telling God, "You aren't enough for me. I need more. I deserve better, even though You gave me life." 

And that's a lie.

Maybe this feeling of discontentment I'm having is a result of God telling me, "Keri, I have different plans for you. I don't want you to be the same. I have another path in mind."

Maybe instead of wallowing in my "I deserve more" pity party, I need to surrender everything to Him who gives above and beyond.

Maybe I need to stop looking down at the "problems" in my life, my idiosyncratic differences, my deficiencies, and look up to see what God has planned for me.

Maybe I need to stop praying for contentment and start asking for courage to continue in my discontent so that I can see what He wants me to do, where He wants me to go, what my new status quo should look like. 

Maybe being different is good after all. 



Can you relate, or am I the only weirdo?

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7 Ways to Edify Our Husbands + 3 Words of Caution

Recently, I posted on my one word for 2013.

As I consider how to live a life of complete surrender to Jesus, I realize that every aspect of my life--from my relationship to my husband and kids to the completion of my to-do list--must be fully and completely given over to Him.

In anticipation of Valentine's Day, I want to spend some time really focusing on my husband and showing him the respect, attention, and affection he deserves. I will be participating in Women Living Well's "Be My Valentine" Marriage Challenge to help me in this pursuit.

 

 

What does it look like to live surrendered to our husbands? 

First, let's consider what the Bible says:

Ephesians 5:21-23, 33

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
 ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Living a surrendered life means yielding my thoughts, my words, my body, my everything to my husband. It means showing him respect even when he makes huge blunders and giving him my attention even when I'm tired, touched-to-death, and frazzled. It also means finding words to express the magnitude of my love when I really don't want to.

Photo Credit: epSos.de

How can we surrender ourselves to our husbands with our words?

Song of Songs 4:11

¹¹ Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
    milk and honey are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments
    is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

For me, praising my husband is a real struggle.Words of encouragement and affirmation don't flow naturally from my tongue. I have to make a real concerted effort to step outside my comfort zone and voice my gratitude for and love to him.

Aside from the personal challenge, I honestly don't think about praising my husband. It isn't like he struggles with self-esteem issues. But his love language is "words of affirmation," so by not building him up verbally, I am neglecting to fill his love tank and show him the affection he needs. 

We all need to hear that we are loved, valued, and needed. Even our husbands. 

7 Ways to Verbally Edify Our Husbands:

1. Compliment his appearance. If he's been working out or dieting, let him know you can tell a difference. Tell him how handsome he is: who doesn't like to hear they're attractive? What drew me to my husband were his big blue eyes, so I like to remind him that he's still looking good to me. 

2. Praise him in front of the kids. This is hard for me, but the impact on our three daughters is significant. They need to see and hear positive affirmation of their Daddy from their Mommy. That means backing him up when he's made a decision, even if I don't agree. It also means teaching them to show Daddy gratitude for his hard work.

3. Replace nagging with praise. One surefire way not to get my husband to help with the chores is by hounding him. He absolutely refuses to be bullied into anything. Nagging is disrespectful and rude. Instead, thank him when he takes out the trash. He 'll start helping out more if we praise his efforts and show him we notice what he's doing.

4. Thank him for his hard work. As a mom, I swoon when my kids thank me for something--anything--because it's so rare. Husbands and dads need to know we see how hard they're working for us and that we're grateful for it. Gratitude is a great motivator.

5. Let him know you're praying for him. God entrusts our husbands with a great responsibility as heads of the household. They have a lot riding on their shoulders. As their helpmates, we can and should pray for wisdom for our spouses. By letting them know they are in our prayers, we show that we respect them and the decisions they make on behalf of our family. 

6. Trust his judgment. Even when my husband makes decisions I don't like, I defer to his position as spiritual leader of the family. There's a peace that comes from knowing he is in charge, not me, and I affirm my compliance with positive words. This is especially important to do in front of parents, in-laws, and children. 
 
7. Keep a record of wrongs rights. Oh, how easy it is for me to remember all the times my husband forgets to put the toilet seat down or drops raw egg on the floor, but to recall the numerous times he's taken the kids so I could have a break or brought me coffee in bed is so much more important. Pull out your "record of rights" when he comes home from work and greet him with words of praise.

3 Words of Caution: 

1. Watch not only what you say but how you say it. Tone is key. If I speak life-affirming words to my husband but in a condescending or hostile tone, I do not show him love. He is more influenced by the way in which I speak than the words I say. Be kind and gentle.

2. Avoid coming off as forced. If, like me, you struggle with praising your man, don't just say something to say it. Feel it; mean it. Pull him close and let him see the sparkle in your eyes. He will know if you're faking it. Be sincere in your praise.

3. Don't be a naysayer. Just as you don't want to be a nagging Nelly, don't be a naysayer. Even if pessimism is your middle name, work on being positive Polly instead. Nothing irritates my husband more than when he comes home to Eeyore. Greet him with GOOD NEWS, not "Your son did this and this..." and "Look at the mess your daughter made!" He wants to see you're happy, not miserable. Be positive!

As I strive to live a surrendered life this year, I pray the Lord will show me ways to humbly submit myself to my husband, giving him the verbal affirmation he needs and deserves.

What about you? How do you praise your husband verbally? What is the most effective way you've found to do it?

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Surrender: To Be Salt in a Low-Sodium World

If I had to pick one word for 2013, it would be "surrender." It's a word that lays heavily on my heart because of its expectations: selflessness, humility, submission, and great strength of character. These are qualities that, honestly, I don't often exhibit.

To surrender our lives to Christ means something different for every Jesus follower:

• It's giving up control in areas we have a tight grip on; 
• It's avoiding temptations that threaten our walk with the Lord; 
• It's turning over fear, worry, doubt, anger, and resentment to our Prince of Peace;
• It's trusting God with an aspect of our lives we've only trusted ourselves with;
• It's yielding "me"--and all that entails--to Him.

When we surrender our bodies, minds, and souls to Jesus, we relinquish our "rights."
We say "no" to self and "yes" to Christ. 
We stop worrying about me and think only of Him. 
We rest in God's promises while the world, even fellow Christians, scoffs us.  

We do everything for Him who is our Everything because we believe without Him we are nothing.

Photo credit: Kudumomo

If God asks my family to leave our home and possessions to start up a church in Africa, then we must go. If God tells me to stop wearing make-up or dress more modestly, then I must obey. If God gently nudges me to trust Him wholly and completely with every aspect of my body, then to disregard that nudge would be tantamount to death.

As hard as any of those requests would be, I MUST comply. 

Jesus said:

"If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me and for the gospel will save it."

Mark 8:34-35

We always have a choice: We can listen and obey His calling for us, or we can resist Him at every step and fall farther and farther away. Eventually, though, if we do not yield, we will lose Him. Yes, we'll be content in the snug little world we've created, but no one will be able to distinguish us from unbelievers. We will be lost.

"...any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out."

Luke 14:33-35a

Photo Credit: SoraZG

How do we ensure we're truly His disciple? By surrendering everything to Jesus.

Surrendered Christians take their calling seriously. They listen to that voice inside, and rather than ignoring it, they act. They may experience fear, doubt, ridicule, ostracism, anger, physical suffering, even death, but their faith in the goodness of God and His promised salvation keeps them going.

The saltiness of the surrendered Christian sets her apart. No matter how challenging the call or how scary the sacrifice, she lays everything down at the feet of Jesus.

I struggle with God's will versus free will; yet, I know in my heart that He is calling me to surrender every aspect of my life to Him today, to be salt in this low-sodium world. 

What about you? What do you need to surrender to Jesus?

Give it to Jesus today.




Surrender it all to Jesus.

I am praying for you.

Thank you, Melanie @ Only a Breath, for making this sweet button.

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