6 Steps to Help You Grow in Love for Your Family

Do you struggle to really love your husband & children?
Do you want to love your family more but feel you can't?

  
I've mentioned before that one of my daily prayers is that the Lord will teach me how to love my husband and children more like He loves them. While it's easy to lay the blame on my introverted-perfectionist qualities, the truth is, shortcomings and personality quirks aside, I often neglect to show the little people -- and even the big one -- in my life how much I love them like I should. And I need to.

This post is about the steps I'm taking right now to love my family more deeply. If you could use help in this area, I hope you'll keep reading.

You may be blessed with a gigantic heart for your people. If so, thank God for that blessing because a desire to love and spend time with your family is so important.

But for those of us whose natural inclination is not one of nurturing and showering love on our husbands and offspring, then don't feel guilty. According to Titus 2:4, loving our husbands and children is something that must be taught to us by older Christian women. That sounds to me like we aren't all born with a natural bent to love our families in the way God intends. We need instruction.

 

So what's the problem? Why is loving the people we have prayed and labored for so difficult? 

Because we are human, born with a selfish heart and a desire, first & foremost, to please ourselves. Again, we could lay the blame on Adam and Eve, but the truth is we have a choice. 

I want to love my family the way God intended, so I need to figure out what's keeping me from growing in that area. 

What can I do to love my family better?

1. Think & pray.    
There are obvious obstacles to loving our people like lack of sleep, physical illness, exhaustion, etc., but there may also be areas that aren't so transparent like a simple need for quiet. Humbly ask God to show you the places you might not see. 

Remember His promises to you:

 

Consider WHY you aren't giving more of yourself to your family. You might ask: 

"What specifically hinders me from loving my husband & children more?"

2. Then, make a list.  
I'm a list-maker, but you do what works for you. Just write down what is getting in your way. Identify exactly what the Lord lays on your heart, regardless of how horrible it might sound. {Trust me. You can't lie to God.}
 

Here's my list of obstacles to loving my family:

1. The distractions of technology
2. A need for quiet time alone 
3. The chores & duties of running a household
4. Lack of energy
5. A selfish need for more "me time"

{God revealed that last one to me, and that's the real crux of my problem.}

With your list, you need to figure out how you can best arm yourself to circumvent these roadblocks to loving your family.
   
Next you will need to . . .

3. Create Action Steps.  
If I've learned anything about goal-setting and follow-through, it's that you will never accomplish anything without a realistic, spelled-out plan in place.

Consider:
 

"What can I do to circumvent these roadblocks and better love my family?"

For each hindrance that you list, identify specific actions you can take to avoid that roadblock. {Ultimately, we want to get rid of the roadblocks, but for now, let's try to find ways to deal with them.}

 For example . . .

     1. The distractions of technology

What can I do?

Restrict my time online {easier said than done}

How?

• By not getting online or texting during school hours
• By only using electronic devices during designated quiet times, nap times, and/or bedtime
• By committing to spend time with my husband first, before going online at night
• By having a plan in place before I go online as to what I need to do {this one minimizes all those rabbit trails}

Then move on to the next thing on your list . . .

     2. A need for quiet time alone

 What can I do?

Allot short "quiet times" throughout the day for everyone, plus be consistent in keeping "rest time" part of the daily routing

How?

• By creating a morning "room time" after school when girls can play in their rooms for 15-20 minutes while I recharge alone
• By making "nap/quiet times" a consistent time each day {For example, from 1:00-3:00 everyone is resting quietly in their beds with a book, crayons, dolls, etc.}
• By myself using nap/quiet times to rest, write, read, pray, and recharge {i.e. No chores!}

You get the idea. Create a plan for how you will deal with those nasty encumbrances that keep you from loving your family as fully as you can. Spell it out. Be specific. Denote any and everything that will help you achieve your ultimate goal. Then, . . .

  4. Commit Your Work to the Lord.  
If we truly expect to grow in love for our children and husbands, then we have to commit our plans to the Lord. If we are faithful, He promises to give us success.

5. Get to Work! 
It's helpful for me to keep my action plan nearby in my homemaking binder, so throughout the day, I can check my progress (or lack thereof) and get back on track if need be. 

Sometimes I may have to stop and pray, asking God to help me refrain from getting on my phone during an off-time or working during quiet time. Sometimes He'll use my kids to remind me that I'm breaking one of my own rules. Discipline is hard! But if we want to learn to love our families more fully, then we have to be willing to be refined. That means work!


6. Give Yourself Grace!  
You will stumble. You will make mistakes. You will still lose it with your children. You will wonder if it's possible to love your family even more than you do right now. But it is. They are worth it and so are you, so don't give up! Just grit your teeth and persevere. You will see results soon enough!

Don't forget that this is about growing in love for your family and not about getting it perfect.

Ask God to give you grace & strength to persevere.  
 

Ultimately, our goal is to love like Christ, but that won't happen over night. God has to furrow, cultivate, and plow through our hearts, exposing our sinfulness and bringing us to repentance. 

He is faithful. In the past 5 years, I have witnessed firsthand how God has grown my love for my husband and children exponentially. There is still much more work to be done in me, but it's so encouraging to see progress. And I know He will work as powerfully in you if you will let Him.

What keeps YOU from loving your family wholly and completely? What are you doing about those obstacles? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Praying God's blessings on you,

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for when you want to escape

 
Yesterday, I read this quote with a smile. 

"Amen, sister!" I thought. 

But when I re-read it today, I got angry. No one would take a nap. The baby had been screaming all morning. The preschooler's antics were simply enervating. I'm tired. My husband had been working all weekend, and I felt like I hadn't had a moment to exhale.

Every ounce of my being was screaming, 

"But I need a break! I deserve some peace and quiet! My family is driving me crazy! When do I get some me time?!" 

And I'm throwing a big ol' pity party all by my lonesome. 

But Brenneman is right. 

In those moments when my sanity is hanging by a thread, running from my family anywhere else is simply not the answer. Instead, what I need to do is deny my self and run straight to the cross.

Wise women have told me that parenting is part of the sanctification process. Our children refine us by their actions (or inaction), words, and behavior. We discover our weaknesses while mothering our children. Honestly, despite my red hair, I never knew I had a temper until a toddler tested me.

 

When we're walking through the refining fires, it's tempting to want to escape. It's too hot. We hurt. We're exhausted. The weight of it all is too much for us. And it is if we try to do it on our own.  

We can't be the best mothers unless we seek God's help in the process. Our children refine us to His glory when we choose to run to God for help rather than escape the flames. 

Escape is not always the best answer.

That's not to say we don't all need some quiet time alone for introspection and reflection. I need it desperately. What I mean is that it's easy to throw in the towel, hand the baby to hubby, and announce your departure: "Good luck! I'm outta here!"

When I'm tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that's heaped on my plate, that's when I need to run to Jesus for comfort.

Our families should be our joy. 
Our homes should be the only place we want to be.
Our lives should be spent honoring Christ as our first priority.

We should be sad inside when we're separated from our children or our husbands, not jumping up and down in glee that we have some time to ourselves.

Those are hard words to hear, I know, because they're hard for me to type. The world tells us children are a burden, that we "deserve" our time because it will make us happy, and we deserve happiness. Yet, my heart has always felt guilty for wanting time alone. Now I see why. God didn't want it this way. 

I haven't arrived as a Mom. I never will. Even today, I desperately wanted to cop out, but I didn't. 

Why? 

Because I feel a beautiful change in my heart that I can only explain as the Holy Spirit working in me. He is growing my love for my family and shrinking my love of me. It's a gradual, one-step-forward two-steps-back kind of dance, but as I cling to Him in the midst of rough days like today, I see the moments where He was moving: pulling me to Him when I wanted to run, making me smile when my kids acted silly, stirring up laughter just when we all were crumbling.

Instead of checking out when life becomes challenging, instead of complaining about the sparse time I have for myself, instead of demanding that I be happy, I'm learning-- day to day, with God's help-- to deny myself, cling to the cross, and look for moments of peace here in this place.  

In my home. 
Among my family. 
Surrounded by those I love most. 
With Christ in our midst.

This is where I'm supposed to be. 


What about you? Specifically for those of you who have found peace and joy being at home among your family rather than out in the world, how have you done it? What advice do you have for a young mom of little ones who craves a quiet space but also desperately wants to continue growing in love for her family?

May God continue to richly bless you!

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Related posts:
Battling Entitlement in Our Homes
When I Feel Like I Deserve _____________ 
What to do When You Feel Entitled : 5 Tips to Tackle Discontent


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What to Do When You Feel Entitled : 5 Tips to Tackle Discontent

For the past two weeks I have been sharing my thoughts on entitlement, specifically addressing how we need to battle entitlement in our homes and change our attitudes about what "I deserve."

Today I want to share a few ways I'm trying to move away from this "entitled" attitude I've adopted because, as I mentioned last week, if I expect my children to have a realistic view of life and not expect everything to be handed to them or that they should always go first, then I have to begin with me. I have to present a realistic model for them that they can follow when the world tells them they deserve more.

So, how do I stop feeling entitled? How do I deny my self what I believe I deserve?

 For me, that means 5 things.

 

1. Stay in constant communication with God.

Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to "pray without ceasing." Instead of calling a friend to vent or burying my face in the phone to avoid the problem, I've got to turn to God for help. I've got to see my situation as God's will and turn to Him when I'm in doubt. I've got to keep reminding myself that I am not in control, especially when my sinful nature says, "You deserve a break; just let the house work go", or when I grumble and complain about my unruly kids as if God cheated me somehow.

And you know what? When I'm walking beside Him, seeking His help, and focusing on what He wants for me rather than what I think I need, I feel peace. Oh how I want that peace . . .

2. Memorize & recite Mark 10:43-45.

Here Jesus is speaking to His disciples about what it means to be great, following James and John's request for special places in His kingdom:
 

"'...[W]hoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.'"

James and John wanted more. They weren't content with simply serving and working. They wanted to be great. Specifically, they wanted to sit beside Jesus in Heaven. As Jesus' special friends--remember they were with Jesus at the Transfiguration and a part of the "inner circle" with Peter-- they believed they were entitled to the sky box while everyone else sat in the cheap seats. But Jesus set them straight.

To be great is not to rule over others but to serve.

When selfishness creeps in and I begin to think I deserve a seat beside Jesus for all my hours of laundry folding, yogurt making, and diaper changing, remembering Jesus' words to His disciples gives me the reality check I need. He gave His life a ransom for many.

3. Get busy for the kingdom!

It's usually when I'm completely overwhelmed with my too-long to-do list that I become discontent and yearn for something more/different/better. It's then I begin to feel I deserve a vacation instead of buckling down and getting my work done.  

I need to remember that homemaking, serving my family, raising my children, loving my husband--that's kingdom work, and I need to see that work as a blessing, not a chore just to get done.

We all have work to do for the kingdom. We each have gifts to use to bring unbelievers to Christ and to build up the church. When we begin feeling entitled, that's when we need to get busy!

"God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure."

Hebrews 6:10-11

4. Take regular (or permanent) fasts from "idols."

Most of us have something--maybe someone--that we put before God. Maybe it's your spouse or children, a job you love, blogging, looking good, or running. Whatever it is, it's an idol if it consumes our time, energy, bank accounts, thoughts, etc. When we don't have a proper balance, we sacrifice what really matters just to appease our gods. We start feeling like we deserve a new dress--even though we don't have the money--or we are entitled to a raise when we aren't.

I struggle with maintaining a healthy relationship with my smartphone. I've been completely imbalanced lately, to the point that I can't wake up without first checking my email. So, I'm instituting more stringent rules on myself to be better disciplined in this area because when I'm tuned into emails and the latest pins, I'm not focusing on my husband, my kids, or my home. 

{I'll post more on the specifics of what I'm doing here in a few weeks after I finish reading Sarah Mae's "The Un-Wired Mom" and have had time to reflect.}

Identify your own idol(s) and devise a plan to tear them down. If you don't think you're "hooked" on anything, look at your bank statement or keep track of your time: write down everything you do in a 1-hour period. See where you're spending your money and/or time, and work on changing the way you relate to the things of this world. 

Life isn't about stuff; it's about spreading the good news of Jesus and making the world a better place to live.

 

5. Look for ways to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus every day (Matt. 16:24).

When I'm feeling entitled and throwing a pity party because everyone else is going to the beach but me, I've stopped surrendering all to Jesus and started expecting things. I start thinking about me and what I deserve. But Jesus didn't say, "The first shall be first." No! He said, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.

Ask God to help you identify people who you can serve. Be proactive, and look for opportunities where you can be of use. I have to stop thinking of myself first and remember that I'm not here to live a soft, cushy life for me, but to give all 100% of myself to God. To live for Him.

I don't know about you, but I'm grappling with feelings of discontent & entitlement every day. I think it's a by-product of living in this blessed country. But in order to live a life worthy of my calling, then I need to get outside myself, to deny myself what I think I deserve, and start living for others instead. It's a constant struggle but as I trust God and draw closer to Him, I'm feeling more content every day. I pray you will come to that place of peace too. Please let me know if I can pray for you.

What about you? How do you keep your "I deserves" in check?

Related Posts:

Battling Entitlement in Our Homes
When I Feel Like I Deserve _____
 

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When I Feel Like I Deserve ___________

Last week I stood on my soapbox, preaching on the war we must wage in our homes against entitlement. It's a battle that requires continual attention and constant work. If we hope to raise humble, grateful, count-your-many-blessings children, then we have to be proactive; we must have a plan; and we need direction. 

Why? Because this world we live in does not extol self-denial. 

Yet, as Christians, we are called by Christ to do that very thing if we intend to follow Him.



This week I want to share where all this starts:

with ME

My attitude, my heart, my priorities, my thoughts & actions

If I hope, in any way, to correct the assumption my children have that the world owes them something, then I must begin by addressing my own entitlement issues.

If I hope, in any way, to raise children who love Christ and desire to follow Him, then I must begin by modeling what "deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" means.

Photo Credit

Yesterday, my kids would not calm down during nap time. The oldest wanted to read more books, the middle child kept complaining about her bottom hurting (not sure what's going on there), and the baby just wouldn't settle. And I desperately needed wanted quiet time. 

In my mind, I honestly believed I deserved for them to nap so I could get some much needed rest myself. When my kids weren't compliant, I turned into the Incredible Hulk, and, boy, was it ugly. 

In my mind I thought: "This is my time. It's not fair. I deserve a break. I've been fixing food, wiping bottoms, cleaning, and mothering all morning, and I need this." 

Satan was feeding me a pack of lies that I swallowed hook, line, and sinker.

So what did I do?

I started acting like my own toddler when she doesn't get her way: I threw a full-blown temper tantrum, complete with yelling (something I've really been working on not doing), dishing out "consequences," and making threats. Not only was I being selfish, but in the moment, I felt completely justified. Afterwards, though, I felt horrible. I knew I'd messed up big time.

When we expect or believe we are entitled to something--whether it's peace & quiet, a raise, an at-a-boy for a job well done, or to go first at the intersection--we stop following Jesus and start following self. Self-denial is thrown completely out the window.




If we claim to be Jesus' disciples, we must stop acting entitled. 

We have to quit this attitude of "I deserve better." 

We must give up all notion of "me" and surrender all to Christ, knowing He alone has the power to save. 

For me, that means I need to stop thinking I'm entitled to the following:

• Quiet time
• That new book
• To take a break 
• A nicer car 
• A vacation (even a staycation)
• A bigger home
• More stylish clothes
• Children who listen & obey the first time
• More money 
• To go first

I don't deserve quiet time. I'm not entitled to a vacation or a bigger house or more stylish clothes. Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves. It's how we view them. 

Do we see these things as something we have earned, deserve, are entitled to OR as gifts from the Father of the heavenly lights (James 1:17)?

 

Photo Credit

This life has been given to me. It's a gift. I haven't earned it. I don't deserve it. I need reminding over and over again--just like my small children--that I'm a mess without God.

When I surrender EVERYTHING, I see that God gives me even more than I could comprehend. When I realize that the quiet time I want is not something I need but a gift, then I can rest in Him who knows my needs and who gives His children good gifts (Matthew 7:11).

Surrender is a daily discipline. It requires giving up what we want for the good of others. And that's hard because by nature we are selfish creatures. 

What things do you believe you're entitled to? How do you deal with your own issues of entitlement? 

Next week I will post on some ways we can deal with issues of entitlement in ourselves.

Praying God's wisdom for each of us as we strive to be His disciples here on Earth,

Previous posts on entitlement:
Battling Entitlement in Our Homes 
 

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Battling Entitlement in Our Homes

"Mom, give me some gum." 
"Gimme a piece of candy." 
"I need a cracker."
"Can I have something to drink?"

Every.single.time we get in the car those are the very first words out of my children's mouths. We haven't pulled out of the driveway even, and they're asking for something. 

Sure, I'm at least partly to blame. I have acquiesced so many times that they've become conditioned to expect those things, so when I say "no," they don't understand.

And when they hear no from me, they cry and whine and demand: 

"Mama, why?" 

And the why isn't just: 

"Why can't we have a piece of gum?"

It's really: 

"Why can't I have what I want? Don't I deserve it? Don't you love me?"

Well, the truth is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this insatiable desire for more and the whining that commences when that demand isn't fulfilled.

I'm sick of feeling guilty for not giving more to my kids. This foolish idea that parents should want to give their children a better life than they themselves had is rubbish. The goal for our children should not be happiness but self-denial for the sake of the Cross. But right now they're not getting that, and that's largely my fault.

My kids aren't the only ones suffering from this heart condition, this "I'm-entitled-and-deserve-more" disease that distorts reality and diminishes God to god status. This illness afflicts many Christians I know and, I'd venture to guess, a great percentage of the population in this all-too-abundantly-blessed nation.

Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful to be living in this country, but if I hear one more time that everyone deserves to go to college, I think I'll be ill.

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I'm sick of people feeling entitled, as if they've done something grand and wonderful like cure cancer or rid the world of mosquitoes, that they've earned the right to say, "I deserve this."

I'm fed up with people whining about missed opportunities and shattered dreams, about lost chances and wrecked plans, about misrepresentations and disappointing childhoods.

Get over it already. Move on. Count your blessings and name them one by one. Stop missing out on the good in your life by dwelling on the what-might-have-beens. There's a reason. Figure it out, and if you can't, ask God.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matthew 5:6

I'm tired of hearing my own kids grumble when I don't oblige their every whim and buy them new princess dresses or sparkly bracelets, when I don't cave to their tantrums and take them to "McSonic," when they think I'm being outrageous for not giving them what they deserve.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

Matthew 5:5

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I'm annoyed at myself for thinking I deserve something more, something better than this beautiful life I've been given.

As if I deserve anything.

 As if this house, these clothes, my car are something I've earned.

As if this flesh is anything more than dust and dirt.

As if my breath is my own.

As if in one moment, I could choose to destroy everything and everyone.

As if I'm the Maker, Creator, Life-Giver and Life-Taker-Away.

As if God owes me something. 

"Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 5:3

Photo Credit

We are blessed beyond our own comprehension, and yet our human tendencies scream:

"I deserve more!"  

"Give me more!"

"Stop telling me no!"

"I'm special. I'm somebody."

And sometimes I want to tell those people--myself and my own children included:

"No, you are nobody. The only thing we deserve is death. We have done nothing and can do nothing to ever deserve what all we've been given. The only one who deserves anything, the only one who has earned the number 1 spot is Jesus, the one who gave up everything so we could argue we deserved it."

But then I would be accused of harming their fragile egos and destroying their self-esteem.

Those are three adjectives I never want ascribed to or characteristic of myself or my children. But right now, they're in danger--I'm in danger--of all three. Something has to change. 

So, I'm on a mission to reclaim my family from this pack of lies, empty half-truths that pollute our lives and whisper seductively in our ears that we are all those things and more.

I want to empty my flesh and mind of those lies and re-fill that void with these adjectives instead:

It's going to take some serious work and lots of prayer to see this happen, but the Holy Spirit has put this issue on my heart, so I know He will see it through. I'm not finished with this; expect to see more posts in the coming weeks.

What about you? Do you see this entitlement attitude in your corner of the world? If so, how do you work against it for your self and your children? 

I would greatly appreciate any suggestions you have to offer. 

Praying for wisdom,

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