6 Steps to Help You Grow in Love for Your Family

Do you struggle to really love your husband & children?
Do you want to love your family more but feel you can't?

  
I've mentioned before that one of my daily prayers is that the Lord will teach me how to love my husband and children more like He loves them. While it's easy to lay the blame on my introverted-perfectionist qualities, the truth is, shortcomings and personality quirks aside, I often neglect to show the little people -- and even the big one -- in my life how much I love them like I should. And I need to.

This post is about the steps I'm taking right now to love my family more deeply. If you could use help in this area, I hope you'll keep reading.

You may be blessed with a gigantic heart for your people. If so, thank God for that blessing because a desire to love and spend time with your family is so important.

But for those of us whose natural inclination is not one of nurturing and showering love on our husbands and offspring, then don't feel guilty. According to Titus 2:4, loving our husbands and children is something that must be taught to us by older Christian women. That sounds to me like we aren't all born with a natural bent to love our families in the way God intends. We need instruction.

 

So what's the problem? Why is loving the people we have prayed and labored for so difficult? 

Because we are human, born with a selfish heart and a desire, first & foremost, to please ourselves. Again, we could lay the blame on Adam and Eve, but the truth is we have a choice. 

I want to love my family the way God intended, so I need to figure out what's keeping me from growing in that area. 

What can I do to love my family better?

1. Think & pray.    
There are obvious obstacles to loving our people like lack of sleep, physical illness, exhaustion, etc., but there may also be areas that aren't so transparent like a simple need for quiet. Humbly ask God to show you the places you might not see. 

Remember His promises to you:

 

Consider WHY you aren't giving more of yourself to your family. You might ask: 

"What specifically hinders me from loving my husband & children more?"

2. Then, make a list.  
I'm a list-maker, but you do what works for you. Just write down what is getting in your way. Identify exactly what the Lord lays on your heart, regardless of how horrible it might sound. {Trust me. You can't lie to God.}
 

Here's my list of obstacles to loving my family:

1. The distractions of technology
2. A need for quiet time alone 
3. The chores & duties of running a household
4. Lack of energy
5. A selfish need for more "me time"

{God revealed that last one to me, and that's the real crux of my problem.}

With your list, you need to figure out how you can best arm yourself to circumvent these roadblocks to loving your family.
   
Next you will need to . . .

3. Create Action Steps.  
If I've learned anything about goal-setting and follow-through, it's that you will never accomplish anything without a realistic, spelled-out plan in place.

Consider:
 

"What can I do to circumvent these roadblocks and better love my family?"

For each hindrance that you list, identify specific actions you can take to avoid that roadblock. {Ultimately, we want to get rid of the roadblocks, but for now, let's try to find ways to deal with them.}

 For example . . .

     1. The distractions of technology

What can I do?

Restrict my time online {easier said than done}

How?

• By not getting online or texting during school hours
• By only using electronic devices during designated quiet times, nap times, and/or bedtime
• By committing to spend time with my husband first, before going online at night
• By having a plan in place before I go online as to what I need to do {this one minimizes all those rabbit trails}

Then move on to the next thing on your list . . .

     2. A need for quiet time alone

 What can I do?

Allot short "quiet times" throughout the day for everyone, plus be consistent in keeping "rest time" part of the daily routing

How?

• By creating a morning "room time" after school when girls can play in their rooms for 15-20 minutes while I recharge alone
• By making "nap/quiet times" a consistent time each day {For example, from 1:00-3:00 everyone is resting quietly in their beds with a book, crayons, dolls, etc.}
• By myself using nap/quiet times to rest, write, read, pray, and recharge {i.e. No chores!}

You get the idea. Create a plan for how you will deal with those nasty encumbrances that keep you from loving your family as fully as you can. Spell it out. Be specific. Denote any and everything that will help you achieve your ultimate goal. Then, . . .

  4. Commit Your Work to the Lord.  
If we truly expect to grow in love for our children and husbands, then we have to commit our plans to the Lord. If we are faithful, He promises to give us success.

5. Get to Work! 
It's helpful for me to keep my action plan nearby in my homemaking binder, so throughout the day, I can check my progress (or lack thereof) and get back on track if need be. 

Sometimes I may have to stop and pray, asking God to help me refrain from getting on my phone during an off-time or working during quiet time. Sometimes He'll use my kids to remind me that I'm breaking one of my own rules. Discipline is hard! But if we want to learn to love our families more fully, then we have to be willing to be refined. That means work!


6. Give Yourself Grace!  
You will stumble. You will make mistakes. You will still lose it with your children. You will wonder if it's possible to love your family even more than you do right now. But it is. They are worth it and so are you, so don't give up! Just grit your teeth and persevere. You will see results soon enough!

Don't forget that this is about growing in love for your family and not about getting it perfect.

Ask God to give you grace & strength to persevere.  
 

Ultimately, our goal is to love like Christ, but that won't happen over night. God has to furrow, cultivate, and plow through our hearts, exposing our sinfulness and bringing us to repentance. 

He is faithful. In the past 5 years, I have witnessed firsthand how God has grown my love for my husband and children exponentially. There is still much more work to be done in me, but it's so encouraging to see progress. And I know He will work as powerfully in you if you will let Him.

What keeps YOU from loving your family wholly and completely? What are you doing about those obstacles? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Praying God's blessings on you,

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Works in Progress: Our Children and Us

Photo Credit: mia3mom

"Please take your shoes off and put them in the basket, Cora." 

"Cora, take off your shoes and put them up." 

"Go in your room and do not come out until your shoes are off and in their place." 

"Cora, why are your shoes still on your feet?" 

Finally, leading my two-year-old by the hand, I take her to the shoe basket in her room, kneel down, remove her shoes while she thrashes and protests, "I do it, Mama!" I chastise her for not listening and obeying the first time and am clearly irritated with her disobedience.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Do you feel like you have told your child repeatedly what your expectations are, even shown her how to carry them out on countless occasions, and she still digs in her heels and goes on her own merry way?

I have high expectations of my kids. Sometimes they are a little too high, but usually what I expect them to be able to do is within their realm of achievement if they will only listen and make the effort. 

I don't expect perfection but at least an attempt! Oh how it burns me up to hear my child say, "I can't do it!" when I know full well she hasn't even tried. She is simply waiting for me to do it for her. 

And then I think about how irritated God must be with me when I dig in my heels and go on my own merry way because I don't want to obey Him right then or I don't think I am capable of doing what He asks of me. Or I dawdle in hopes that He will just do it for me.

Even when He leads me by the hand to where He wants me to go and shows me exactly what He wants me to do, I balk and protest:

"If You absolutely insist, God, I'll do it, but I'm doing it my way."

And how does our ever patient, ever loving Father respond?

Not like me: with anger, frustration, and irritation. 

But with patience, gentleness, and compassion. 

With grace.

Why?

Because He knows I am a work in progress. I'm not "there" yet. I haven't arrived and never will.

Like Peter in Mark 8:29, I know who Jesus is, but I don't always comprehend what it means to truly follow Him. 

Like my child who needs constant repetition and instruction with gentleness and love, I too require the firm but patient hand of my Lord to guide me. 

Sometimes that guidance requires discipline but always it is for my good.

Maturity takes time. It is a process. While I would like for my children to always do what I tell them, I know that is not realistic. They will disobey. They will test me. They will see if I really mean what I say. 

In those moments, I need to be like my God and with a firm gentleness, guide them, discipline them when necessary, but show them grace and keep loving them despite their flaws.

Like me, my children are also works in progress. They need me to be persistent and consistent in my training but also merciful and kind.

"But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them {Israel}, even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf..." 

Nehemiah 9:17b-18a

The Beauty of Boundaries: God's Design for His Children

Ian Britton

Recently, I was talking to a friend who has a young child. She was expressing to me the challenges she has found in raising her son. As I listened, she described how she allows him "the freedom" to roam all over the house unrestricted, how she doesn't like disciplining him even though she knows he probably needs it, and how he doesn't have a set bedtime. I thought about the beauty of boundaries. 

Sure, raising children to be "free range" may be the latest trend, but is it really good for the child? As parents, we want to do what's best for our children. Usually, though, that means laying down some basic rules and disciplining our children when they break those rules. Most children would never institute rules for themselves and certainly far fewer would actually discipline themselves. Rather, rules and discipline are the responsibility of parents who love their children and desire their safety, both physical and spiritual.

This afternoon, in the still and quiet of the house, I was reading Psalm 119 when I came to these two verses: 

"I will walk about in freedom,

for I have sought out your precepts."

Psalm 119:45

"I remember your ancient laws, O Lord,

and I find comfort in them."

Psalm 119:52

We don't typically think of "precepts" as providing "freedom" or "laws" as a source of "comfort." Rather, most people today perceive rules as restricting and confining, something made to be broken. Yet, true freedom can only be found in obedience to God's commands. When we follow God's way and seek forgiveness when we stray, we are freed to be who God wants us to be and we are saved from the powerful grip of sin.

Children without rules and discipline will suffer. 

 Eternally.

"Do not withhold discipline from a child;

if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

Punish him with the rod

and save his soul from death."

Proverbs 23:13-14

What are your feelings about boundaries when it comes to raising your children?  Do you see them as restricting or freeing?

Feeling Cheated? Why We Need to Change Our Attitude Toward the Challenging Child

Have you ever wondered why God gave you this child? 

 

That question has weighed heavily on my mind lately as I reevaluate my expectations as a Mom and try to figure out the best ways to train our strong-willed children.

When you go out to dinner as a family, do you notice that the families around you have young children who sit in their seats with their hands folded, politely eat their meals making minimal mess, and talk at a normal volume while their parents are enjoying a real conversation?

Are you one of those families? {If so, what is your secret? I will pay big bucks for this information.}

Or are you the family whose kids are climbing out of their chairs, spilling full glasses of juice, and pitching a fit because they want to get down and run around the restaurant? Do you laugh at the thought of carrying on an adult conversation because you're too busy trying to keep everyone in line?

My husband jokes that we usually order our food and ask for the check in the same breath, but it's true. We leave the restaurant frustrated, upset that we couldn't enjoy the meal we paid hard-earned money for, and suffering heartburn because we shoveled our food down so fast.

Change the venue to church on Sunday, the grocery store, or even the park, and a similar scene will unfold. It doesn't matter if our kids have napped and eaten first; they will still generally make our experience less than pleasant because of their need to resist authority and pursue their own course. The strength of their will absolutely refuses to comply with their parents' wishes. They have a desperate need to assert themselves even in the most minute things. 

As I work through these challenges and prayerfully consider the Lord's will for me as a parent, I can't help but feel cheated, even a little resentful. It seems like everyone I know has quiet, well-behaved children but us. Of course I know that isn't the case, but often it sure seems to be true.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward."

Psalm 127:3 

Still, in spite of my disappointment at times, I honestly believe that God gives us our children for a reason. We may not understand why some parents have compliant, easy-going children while others have terrors who continually wage war with them. But there is a reason.

God gives each of our children to us, not to punish us for some past sin, but to accomplish something in us--His children--to grow us in ways that only having and raising a child will do. 

For me, that means learning patience and gentleness with my strong-willed girls. I don't understand their need for power and control, but God has shaped and formed them in this way. They are made in His own image. It also means teaching my girls how to control their will: to reign it in when it becomes unruly but also how to wield it for God's glory in useful, productive ways.

Instead of viewing our children as a source of frustration, consider them an assignment given to us by our Great Teacher. An opportunity for our own growth and development as Christians. A method for testing and refining our patience, gentleness, and other Christian virtues.

Instead of dwelling on the difficulties our children present, consider the blessings that they have on us, transforming us into the Christian women God wants us to be.

Despite the difficulties of raising strong-willed children, we are promised by our heavenly Father that He will be with us and help us fulfill the tasks He sets before us, no matter how cumbersome. He will never give us more than we can bear.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, those who are called according to His purpose."


Romans 8:28

Do you ever feel a little resentful at times about the children God has placed in your care? If so, does it help to see them as opportunities for personal Christian growth?

I would love to hear from you!

Praying God's richest blessings on you as we grow in His glory,

Keri

Other related posts:
Parenting Isn't for Cowards: Training Strong-Willed Children
Are You Suffering From Parent Burnout?

For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

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This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Top 10 Tuesdays, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays

Are You Suffering From Parent Burnout?

Frustrated Mother

Do you find yourself yelling at your kids instead of calmly instructing them?

Have snappy, sarcastic words become a normal part of your vocabulary?

Do your children fear you, and I don't mean "fear" as in "respect"?

Do they hit the deck when they see that look in your eyes?

Are you ever afraid you just might lose it?

If you answered "yes" to any or all of these questions {FYI, I did}, then you just might be on the verge of parent burnout.

In my previous post, I mentioned that one chapter in James Dobson's Parenting Isn't For Cowards particularly hit close to home for me. When I read the book, I had been looking for insights into how to best discipline and deal with our two strong-willed children, but then I came upon the chapter entitled "Too Pooped to Parent" and my eyes were opened.

In this chapter Dobson sheds light on five different stages of burnout, offering encouragement to parents exhausted by the pressures of their job. 

The first stage he calls the "Gung-Ho" stage. These are the parents who read all the parenting books when they were pregnant, bought the latest gadgets and educational toys, and have taken every step to provide the best opportunities possible for their little darlings. However, in their commitment to little Johnny, they have neglected everything else: their marriage, their relationships with family and friends, even themselves. To the "super parent," these seem like only small sacrifices. But after years of putting life on hold for their offspring, they begin to crumble under the weight of their responsibility, and the energy exerted in the name of parenting finally reaches its limits. 

The second stage of parent burnout "is characterized by persistent doubts" and frequent irritations with the children that often leaves them screaming at their kids (114). The parents in this stage sense something is wrong but may not realize the cause of their distress. They generally feel fatigued and worn out; some parents even exhibit physical ailments such as upset stomach, neck and back pains, headaches, and hypertension.

If parents continue to give, give, give and not recharge, they will move into the third stage of burnout-- transition--which, according to Dobson, is "the most critical" "because decisions are usually made during this period that will determine the well-being of the family for years to come": either drastic changes will be made or the family will "plunge toward chaos" (118). The parents experience "indescribable fatigue, self-condemnation, great anger, and resentment" and will point the finger at their children as the source of their discontent (118).

"One of the reasons they were so excited about parenthood was their idealistic expectations of what children are like. They honestly did not know that little boys and girls can be, and usually are, demanding, self-centered, sloppy, lazy, and rebellious" (118).

The fourth stage of parent burnout involves pulling away from the family and becoming unavailable to the children. This parent may hide in her room to avoid dealing with the kids. Or she may begin drinking or popping pills to dull the senses. Minor things will set the parent off so that she will react violently out of frustration. At this stage, "child abuse is only an inch away" (119). These parents are filled with guilt and self-loathing, are disappointed with their lives, and are creeping closely to "chronic disenchantment," the fifth and final stage of parent burnout. 

Chronic disenchantment "is characterized by confusion and apathy. The individual at this stage has lost all meaning and purpose in living" (119). Thoughts of suicide or running away begin and the parent is in desperate need of counseling and a change in lifestyle. Fortunately, very few parents will actually get to this phase. 

I must admit that I have been in the third stage of parent burnout for awhile now although I didn't know it until I read Dobson's book. I thought having children would mean being smothered with love and affection, not disrespect, sassy talk, messy faces, and constant attacks on my authority. Plus, being a perfectionist hasn't helped either. I have found that I am perpetually fatigued and stressed, frustrated and annoyed, nagging and screaming at my children, and that is not how I want to remember my parenting years. 

So what's a Mama to do? 

If you too find yourself in any one of these five stages of parent burnout, here are some suggestions for leading a more balanced life:

(1) Reevaluate your parenting goals and expectations. Are they realistic? If not, consider how can you modify them so that they are. 

For example, I never imagined how difficult it would be for babies to learn how to sleep. I always thought that they knew how to fall asleep on their own without my help and so a big source of my frustration as a new mom was learning how to teach my child how to fall asleep and stay that way. My husband has called me "the sleep nazi" because I have gone to ridiculous lengths to help our children sleep, rearranging our plans and avoiding activities that might mess up their naps. I have put our lives on hold at times just to ensure everyone was well-rested, and when the kids have refused to sleep, I have felt tremendous guilt. I eventually came to realize that I cannot make my children sleep no matter how dark and quiet I make their rooms. While I still try to ensure good sleep, I am making a concerted effort not to stress on something out of my control.

(2) Reevaluate your expectations of your child. I think I was a pretty compliant child; however, our two older daughters are not at all. Therefore, it's hard for me to understand their need to assert themselves all day long. I have to remind myself that they were uniquely made, just like me, and to love them the way God created them even if it's challenging at times. 

Also, I have to remember that our girls are simply little girls, not teenagers and certainly not mature adults. When I expect more from them than they are capable of offering, then I am not only frustrated with them, but I frustrate them too. Consider what your children can do and only expect slightly more from them. Remember that they learning just like we are as parents. Reserve punishments for acts of blatant disobedience and disrespect, and patiently instruct them in those other childish accidents and mishaps.

(3) Make time for yourself away from the kids. Notice I said "make" not "take." It's easy to feel guilty about asking for help. I'm speaking from experience. The "super parent" thinks she is able to do everything and then beats herself up when the laundry hasn't gotten done, the dishes are piled up, and there are no groceries in the house. If you have parents or in-laws nearby who are available, ask them if you could drop the kids off for a couple of hours so you can clean the house or run errands. Better yet, go do something you enjoy. For me, that would mean reading or writing at Panera. It's a win-win: grandparents can spend time with their grandchildren and you can take a breather and recharge. If you don't have family or close friends willing to help, then hire a baby-sitter.

(4) Meet your own needs first. You know how on an airplane the flight attendant tells adults that in case of an emergency to put their own masks on first and then assist the person beside them? That's because if you don't have sufficient oxygen yourself, then you can't provide aid to others. Likewise, if you don't take care of your own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs first, then you will not be in top form to attend to the needs of your children. Again, you can't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. 

When you make time each day to shower, get dressed, and make yourself feel pretty, then you'll discover that you have a much better attitude towards your children than if you go for days without bathing and live in sweats. Trust me; I know!

That also means making time to exercise, pray, read God's Word, talk with a friend, whatever you need to do to meet your own personal needs.

(5) Remember the order of your priorities: God first, your husband second, yourself next, and then your children. Let your children see that God comes first and foremost in your life: let them see you on your knees in prayer and reading from your Bible. Let your children see you being affectionate to their Daddy, and give him your full attention in your children's view. Have date nights when your children stay at home while you and your husband go out. But also let your children know by your words and actions that they are loved unconditionally even though their wants and needs might not be met as quickly as they would like. Unless you want egocentric children, you must teach them that the sun does not set at their command.

(6) Seek professional help. If you believe you are nearing or in stage five of parent burnout, I would recommend seeing a Christian counselor.

Parent burnout is real. I have experienced it. In fact, I am working very hard each day to keep it at bay. Life is never the same after having a child, but I am learning that there is a much better way to parent that doesn't involve constant stress and frustration. 

I want to enjoy the short time I have with our children, but I know now that means having realistic expectations of myself as a mother and of our children as little women in training. It also means maintaining my relationships with God, my spouse, family, and friends and making time for myself. 


What about you? Have you experienced parent burnout?  

I would love to hear from you. Know that I am praying for you!
 

Keri

 For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

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This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Top 10 Tuesdays, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays

Parenting Isn't for Cowards: Training Strong-Willed Children

 

I just finished reading James Dobson's Parenting Isn't for Cowards. For the second time.

Yes, we've been having a bit of trouble with our girls lately. Maybe it's the new baby. Maybe it's the fact that the bigger girls are now roomies. Maybe it's their ages. Or maybe it's the fact that they're both so strong-willed.

Whatever it is, their whining, blatant disobedience, temper tantrums, and continual meltdowns have left their daddy and me desperate. Seriously, if there were such a thing as boot camp for toddlers, they would be on the first bus.

So, after the third week of frustration, I pulled out Dobson's book looking for a little advice on how best to handle their behavior. I needed some Godly counsel on what to do with our two "angels" because with strong-willed children, you want to reign in that determination and zeal for power and not entirely squelch it. It's a fine line.

Here are some of Dobson's suggestions for dealing with strong-willed children:

1. Take charge of a strong-willed child during the early years of his life. Don't be harsh or stern but confident and steady in your leadership. If you believe you are the boss, then so will your child.

I really struggle with not being too hard on the children. At times--especially when I'm tired--I am too tough on the girls and tend to be a bit authoritarian. Good behavior and respect for authority often become more important to me than the content of their hearts. Their external behavior is reflective of what's in their hearts, and my focus should instead be on filling those hearts with God's Word.

2. If a child "is allowed by indulgence to develop 'habits' of defiance and disrespect during his early childhood, those characteristics will haunt him for the next twenty years" (75).

Disrespect is a pet peeve of mine. If one of our children does not treat an elder with the honor and respect he or she deserves, then she will be quickly reprimanded and punished. Defiance is also not tolerated. However, I have noticed that I am a lot more lax with the younger sibling than her big sister and need to really work on being more consistent and fair. 

3. Overlook childish behavior and irresponsibility but never ignore direct challenges to your authority as mother or father.

This suggestion is another aspect of mothering that I struggle with because I tend to expect too much from our children. My lofty expectations are unrealistic and unjust at times. For example, I should not expect a three-year-old to watch her sister and then get mad at her when little sister draws all over her bedspread. I have to remember our children's ages and maturity levels and if they are not directly defying my authority, then I need to let it go.

However, when our 19-month-old tells me, "No," she is going to get a little swat on the leg. Direct challenges to authority will be met with appropriate punishment depending on the child's age and maturity level.

4. Pray fervently for your children.

This is something I do daily and on bad days sometimes hourly. Who else but the God of all Creation can give me the wisdom and direction I need to lead our children where they need to go?

So what else did I take away from Parenting Isn't For Cowards?

In addition to the four suggestions I listed above, there were five items that I learned:
(1) Stay on your kids, especially when they're little. Consistency is key.
(2) Be firm but loving and nurturing in your discipline.
(3) Teach your kids about God, and instill in them faith.
(4) Don't be too tough on yourself as a parent. Remember that your children are their own individual people and will make their own choices despite how you have raised them.
(5) Know when you are facing parent burnout and find ways to recharge.

Because I have been feeling burnout a lot recently and Dobson's chapter really resonated with me, I intend to touch on #5 more in-depth in a post later this week.


How about you? Do you have a strong-willed child? If so, what have you found are the best ways to discipline him or her?

Blessings to you!

Keri

 

For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

Find Growing in His Glory on Facebook.

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This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays