Feeling Cheated? Why We Need to Change Our Attitude Toward the Challenging Child

Have you ever wondered why God gave you this child? 

 

That question has weighed heavily on my mind lately as I reevaluate my expectations as a Mom and try to figure out the best ways to train our strong-willed children.

When you go out to dinner as a family, do you notice that the families around you have young children who sit in their seats with their hands folded, politely eat their meals making minimal mess, and talk at a normal volume while their parents are enjoying a real conversation?

Are you one of those families? {If so, what is your secret? I will pay big bucks for this information.}

Or are you the family whose kids are climbing out of their chairs, spilling full glasses of juice, and pitching a fit because they want to get down and run around the restaurant? Do you laugh at the thought of carrying on an adult conversation because you're too busy trying to keep everyone in line?

My husband jokes that we usually order our food and ask for the check in the same breath, but it's true. We leave the restaurant frustrated, upset that we couldn't enjoy the meal we paid hard-earned money for, and suffering heartburn because we shoveled our food down so fast.

Change the venue to church on Sunday, the grocery store, or even the park, and a similar scene will unfold. It doesn't matter if our kids have napped and eaten first; they will still generally make our experience less than pleasant because of their need to resist authority and pursue their own course. The strength of their will absolutely refuses to comply with their parents' wishes. They have a desperate need to assert themselves even in the most minute things. 

As I work through these challenges and prayerfully consider the Lord's will for me as a parent, I can't help but feel cheated, even a little resentful. It seems like everyone I know has quiet, well-behaved children but us. Of course I know that isn't the case, but often it sure seems to be true.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward."

Psalm 127:3 

Still, in spite of my disappointment at times, I honestly believe that God gives us our children for a reason. We may not understand why some parents have compliant, easy-going children while others have terrors who continually wage war with them. But there is a reason.

God gives each of our children to us, not to punish us for some past sin, but to accomplish something in us--His children--to grow us in ways that only having and raising a child will do. 

For me, that means learning patience and gentleness with my strong-willed girls. I don't understand their need for power and control, but God has shaped and formed them in this way. They are made in His own image. It also means teaching my girls how to control their will: to reign it in when it becomes unruly but also how to wield it for God's glory in useful, productive ways.

Instead of viewing our children as a source of frustration, consider them an assignment given to us by our Great Teacher. An opportunity for our own growth and development as Christians. A method for testing and refining our patience, gentleness, and other Christian virtues.

Instead of dwelling on the difficulties our children present, consider the blessings that they have on us, transforming us into the Christian women God wants us to be.

Despite the difficulties of raising strong-willed children, we are promised by our heavenly Father that He will be with us and help us fulfill the tasks He sets before us, no matter how cumbersome. He will never give us more than we can bear.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, those who are called according to His purpose."


Romans 8:28

Do you ever feel a little resentful at times about the children God has placed in your care? If so, does it help to see them as opportunities for personal Christian growth?

I would love to hear from you!

Praying God's richest blessings on you as we grow in His glory,

Keri

Other related posts:
Parenting Isn't for Cowards: Training Strong-Willed Children
Are You Suffering From Parent Burnout?

For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

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This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Top 10 Tuesdays, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays

Are You Suffering From Parent Burnout?

Frustrated Mother

Do you find yourself yelling at your kids instead of calmly instructing them?

Have snappy, sarcastic words become a normal part of your vocabulary?

Do your children fear you, and I don't mean "fear" as in "respect"?

Do they hit the deck when they see that look in your eyes?

Are you ever afraid you just might lose it?

If you answered "yes" to any or all of these questions {FYI, I did}, then you just might be on the verge of parent burnout.

In my previous post, I mentioned that one chapter in James Dobson's Parenting Isn't For Cowards particularly hit close to home for me. When I read the book, I had been looking for insights into how to best discipline and deal with our two strong-willed children, but then I came upon the chapter entitled "Too Pooped to Parent" and my eyes were opened.

In this chapter Dobson sheds light on five different stages of burnout, offering encouragement to parents exhausted by the pressures of their job. 

The first stage he calls the "Gung-Ho" stage. These are the parents who read all the parenting books when they were pregnant, bought the latest gadgets and educational toys, and have taken every step to provide the best opportunities possible for their little darlings. However, in their commitment to little Johnny, they have neglected everything else: their marriage, their relationships with family and friends, even themselves. To the "super parent," these seem like only small sacrifices. But after years of putting life on hold for their offspring, they begin to crumble under the weight of their responsibility, and the energy exerted in the name of parenting finally reaches its limits. 

The second stage of parent burnout "is characterized by persistent doubts" and frequent irritations with the children that often leaves them screaming at their kids (114). The parents in this stage sense something is wrong but may not realize the cause of their distress. They generally feel fatigued and worn out; some parents even exhibit physical ailments such as upset stomach, neck and back pains, headaches, and hypertension.

If parents continue to give, give, give and not recharge, they will move into the third stage of burnout-- transition--which, according to Dobson, is "the most critical" "because decisions are usually made during this period that will determine the well-being of the family for years to come": either drastic changes will be made or the family will "plunge toward chaos" (118). The parents experience "indescribable fatigue, self-condemnation, great anger, and resentment" and will point the finger at their children as the source of their discontent (118).

"One of the reasons they were so excited about parenthood was their idealistic expectations of what children are like. They honestly did not know that little boys and girls can be, and usually are, demanding, self-centered, sloppy, lazy, and rebellious" (118).

The fourth stage of parent burnout involves pulling away from the family and becoming unavailable to the children. This parent may hide in her room to avoid dealing with the kids. Or she may begin drinking or popping pills to dull the senses. Minor things will set the parent off so that she will react violently out of frustration. At this stage, "child abuse is only an inch away" (119). These parents are filled with guilt and self-loathing, are disappointed with their lives, and are creeping closely to "chronic disenchantment," the fifth and final stage of parent burnout. 

Chronic disenchantment "is characterized by confusion and apathy. The individual at this stage has lost all meaning and purpose in living" (119). Thoughts of suicide or running away begin and the parent is in desperate need of counseling and a change in lifestyle. Fortunately, very few parents will actually get to this phase. 

I must admit that I have been in the third stage of parent burnout for awhile now although I didn't know it until I read Dobson's book. I thought having children would mean being smothered with love and affection, not disrespect, sassy talk, messy faces, and constant attacks on my authority. Plus, being a perfectionist hasn't helped either. I have found that I am perpetually fatigued and stressed, frustrated and annoyed, nagging and screaming at my children, and that is not how I want to remember my parenting years. 

So what's a Mama to do? 

If you too find yourself in any one of these five stages of parent burnout, here are some suggestions for leading a more balanced life:

(1) Reevaluate your parenting goals and expectations. Are they realistic? If not, consider how can you modify them so that they are. 

For example, I never imagined how difficult it would be for babies to learn how to sleep. I always thought that they knew how to fall asleep on their own without my help and so a big source of my frustration as a new mom was learning how to teach my child how to fall asleep and stay that way. My husband has called me "the sleep nazi" because I have gone to ridiculous lengths to help our children sleep, rearranging our plans and avoiding activities that might mess up their naps. I have put our lives on hold at times just to ensure everyone was well-rested, and when the kids have refused to sleep, I have felt tremendous guilt. I eventually came to realize that I cannot make my children sleep no matter how dark and quiet I make their rooms. While I still try to ensure good sleep, I am making a concerted effort not to stress on something out of my control.

(2) Reevaluate your expectations of your child. I think I was a pretty compliant child; however, our two older daughters are not at all. Therefore, it's hard for me to understand their need to assert themselves all day long. I have to remind myself that they were uniquely made, just like me, and to love them the way God created them even if it's challenging at times. 

Also, I have to remember that our girls are simply little girls, not teenagers and certainly not mature adults. When I expect more from them than they are capable of offering, then I am not only frustrated with them, but I frustrate them too. Consider what your children can do and only expect slightly more from them. Remember that they learning just like we are as parents. Reserve punishments for acts of blatant disobedience and disrespect, and patiently instruct them in those other childish accidents and mishaps.

(3) Make time for yourself away from the kids. Notice I said "make" not "take." It's easy to feel guilty about asking for help. I'm speaking from experience. The "super parent" thinks she is able to do everything and then beats herself up when the laundry hasn't gotten done, the dishes are piled up, and there are no groceries in the house. If you have parents or in-laws nearby who are available, ask them if you could drop the kids off for a couple of hours so you can clean the house or run errands. Better yet, go do something you enjoy. For me, that would mean reading or writing at Panera. It's a win-win: grandparents can spend time with their grandchildren and you can take a breather and recharge. If you don't have family or close friends willing to help, then hire a baby-sitter.

(4) Meet your own needs first. You know how on an airplane the flight attendant tells adults that in case of an emergency to put their own masks on first and then assist the person beside them? That's because if you don't have sufficient oxygen yourself, then you can't provide aid to others. Likewise, if you don't take care of your own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs first, then you will not be in top form to attend to the needs of your children. Again, you can't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. 

When you make time each day to shower, get dressed, and make yourself feel pretty, then you'll discover that you have a much better attitude towards your children than if you go for days without bathing and live in sweats. Trust me; I know!

That also means making time to exercise, pray, read God's Word, talk with a friend, whatever you need to do to meet your own personal needs.

(5) Remember the order of your priorities: God first, your husband second, yourself next, and then your children. Let your children see that God comes first and foremost in your life: let them see you on your knees in prayer and reading from your Bible. Let your children see you being affectionate to their Daddy, and give him your full attention in your children's view. Have date nights when your children stay at home while you and your husband go out. But also let your children know by your words and actions that they are loved unconditionally even though their wants and needs might not be met as quickly as they would like. Unless you want egocentric children, you must teach them that the sun does not set at their command.

(6) Seek professional help. If you believe you are nearing or in stage five of parent burnout, I would recommend seeing a Christian counselor.

Parent burnout is real. I have experienced it. In fact, I am working very hard each day to keep it at bay. Life is never the same after having a child, but I am learning that there is a much better way to parent that doesn't involve constant stress and frustration. 

I want to enjoy the short time I have with our children, but I know now that means having realistic expectations of myself as a mother and of our children as little women in training. It also means maintaining my relationships with God, my spouse, family, and friends and making time for myself. 


What about you? Have you experienced parent burnout?  

I would love to hear from you. Know that I am praying for you!
 

Keri

 For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

Find Growing in His Glory on Facebook.

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This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Top 10 Tuesdays, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays

Parenting Isn't for Cowards: Training Strong-Willed Children

 

I just finished reading James Dobson's Parenting Isn't for Cowards. For the second time.

Yes, we've been having a bit of trouble with our girls lately. Maybe it's the new baby. Maybe it's the fact that the bigger girls are now roomies. Maybe it's their ages. Or maybe it's the fact that they're both so strong-willed.

Whatever it is, their whining, blatant disobedience, temper tantrums, and continual meltdowns have left their daddy and me desperate. Seriously, if there were such a thing as boot camp for toddlers, they would be on the first bus.

So, after the third week of frustration, I pulled out Dobson's book looking for a little advice on how best to handle their behavior. I needed some Godly counsel on what to do with our two "angels" because with strong-willed children, you want to reign in that determination and zeal for power and not entirely squelch it. It's a fine line.

Here are some of Dobson's suggestions for dealing with strong-willed children:

1. Take charge of a strong-willed child during the early years of his life. Don't be harsh or stern but confident and steady in your leadership. If you believe you are the boss, then so will your child.

I really struggle with not being too hard on the children. At times--especially when I'm tired--I am too tough on the girls and tend to be a bit authoritarian. Good behavior and respect for authority often become more important to me than the content of their hearts. Their external behavior is reflective of what's in their hearts, and my focus should instead be on filling those hearts with God's Word.

2. If a child "is allowed by indulgence to develop 'habits' of defiance and disrespect during his early childhood, those characteristics will haunt him for the next twenty years" (75).

Disrespect is a pet peeve of mine. If one of our children does not treat an elder with the honor and respect he or she deserves, then she will be quickly reprimanded and punished. Defiance is also not tolerated. However, I have noticed that I am a lot more lax with the younger sibling than her big sister and need to really work on being more consistent and fair. 

3. Overlook childish behavior and irresponsibility but never ignore direct challenges to your authority as mother or father.

This suggestion is another aspect of mothering that I struggle with because I tend to expect too much from our children. My lofty expectations are unrealistic and unjust at times. For example, I should not expect a three-year-old to watch her sister and then get mad at her when little sister draws all over her bedspread. I have to remember our children's ages and maturity levels and if they are not directly defying my authority, then I need to let it go.

However, when our 19-month-old tells me, "No," she is going to get a little swat on the leg. Direct challenges to authority will be met with appropriate punishment depending on the child's age and maturity level.

4. Pray fervently for your children.

This is something I do daily and on bad days sometimes hourly. Who else but the God of all Creation can give me the wisdom and direction I need to lead our children where they need to go?

So what else did I take away from Parenting Isn't For Cowards?

In addition to the four suggestions I listed above, there were five items that I learned:
(1) Stay on your kids, especially when they're little. Consistency is key.
(2) Be firm but loving and nurturing in your discipline.
(3) Teach your kids about God, and instill in them faith.
(4) Don't be too tough on yourself as a parent. Remember that your children are their own individual people and will make their own choices despite how you have raised them.
(5) Know when you are facing parent burnout and find ways to recharge.

Because I have been feeling burnout a lot recently and Dobson's chapter really resonated with me, I intend to touch on #5 more in-depth in a post later this week.


How about you? Do you have a strong-willed child? If so, what have you found are the best ways to discipline him or her?

Blessings to you!

Keri

 

For comments or questions, contact me at: growinginhisglory@gmail.com

Find Growing in His Glory on Facebook.

I would love to see more of you!  If you are encouraged by what you read here and would like to have posts from Growing in His Glory delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here.  Or you can subscribe in a reader of your choice in the right sidebar.

This post is linked to: The Better Mom Mondays, Teach Me Tuesdays, Time-Warp Wife Titus 2Days, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers Wednesdays, Raising Mighty Arrows Proverbs 31 Thursdays