Jennie Allen's book Anything has stirred up some serious internal questions in me recently. I've been grappling for a while with feeling different, not fitting in, feeling like I can't relate to my friends any more.
At first, I chalked it up to discontent. I'm in a different place than most people I know: choosing to homeschool has distanced me from friends who are sending their kids to local public schools. I don't invite people over for play dates or dinner because our house is small, and we don't have much space or toys or it's too dirty (insert other excuses). My daily prayer has been to be more content with what we have, to count my blessings, to get over my excuses and be hospitable anyway.
In this nation where every earthly blessing we could possibly conceive of is at our fingertips, we are missing out on the one heavenly blessing we most need:
God
Jennie says it perfectly here:
When
I feel like I deserve to be happy, that my unhappiness from being on a
different path from everyone else is unfair, that the blessings everyone
else has should be mine too, then I'm telling God, "You aren't enough for me. I need more. I deserve better, even though You gave me life."
And that's a lie.
Maybe this feeling of discontentment I'm having is a result of God telling me, "Keri, I have different plans for you. I don't want you to be the same. I have another path in mind."
Maybe instead of wallowing in my "I deserve more" pity party, I need to surrender everything to Him who gives above and beyond.
Maybe I need to stop looking down at the "problems" in my life, my idiosyncratic differences, my deficiencies, and look up to see what God has planned for me.
Maybe I need to stop praying for contentment and start asking for courage to continue in my discontent so that I can see what He wants me to do, where He wants me to go, what my new status quo should look like.
Maybe being different is good after all.
Can you relate, or am I the only weirdo?
This is just what needed to hear today Keri. The last couple of months I have been feeling different and discontent. Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad God spoke to you through this post. God bless you.
Deleteno you aren't the only weirdo :) I'm with you and could totally relate. Thanks for sharing, you're so real, honest and brave! I have also felt a disconnect from friends all across the board. I live in a city where sending your kids to public school is just expected and most of my friends are out enjoying themselves during the day and won't invite me because they know I have my kids at home or they work and think I am wrong for staying home. I also live in a small space. It's actually pretty large for an apartment, but I will be honest and say I get very embarrassed about it even when I have it very clean because most of my friends live in houses, good sized houses too. I feel very lonely somedays and complain to my husband that when we have an actual home with some room I am going to be more hospitable and have people over all the time, for small groups and dinner - yeah, horrible excuse to escape being hospitable. It all comes down to me being prideful I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I really loved your thoughts and you aren't alone.
Thanks, Del.
DeleteI'm the queen of making excuses. I think it's a product of being a perfectionist, at least for me. I never think what I have is good enough and continually think "If we only had this..." or "If I only had more time..." But that's Satan and, like you said, pride.
It's nice not to feel alone :) I wish we lived closer. I'd invite you over any time!
I totally agree with what you're saying. It's such a delicate balance we walk. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jillian. You're right about it being a delicate balance. I feel like "balance" is the hardest part of motherhood/homemaking. As soon as I find our groove, something changes and we're starting from square one again.
DeleteGreat post! I like the idea of praying for courage through our discontentment.
ReplyDeleteha, ha...I thought I wrote this for a minute! My house is sooooo small and run down and I feel like people judge me on it, so I won't invite anyone over. Thank you for this! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only weirdo, Keri! I have felt this way for a loooong time, and it's a good way to be reminded to lean on God, not earthly relationships. I also don't have people over often for all of your same reasons, especially because we literally do not have room to seat them for a meal. We can barely fit ourselves around our table. But a lot of that is also introversion. I do enjoy being around others at times, but it also wears me out. I've finally accepted the fact that I'm just not the kind of person to host a dinner party every weekend. Keep praying. Keep looking for His will. I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about relying on God, not earthly relationships, Meghan. I think God has been trying to show me, in part, that I need to stop relying so heavily on others and to start looking to Him. Sometimes I forget He wants me to confide and trust in Him and not everyone else.
DeleteAlso, I think God is trying to show me that He wants me discontent so I will see how good I have and start showing gratitude, something I haven't been too good at lately either. I'm thankful God is merciful and good.
I am right there with you Keri, this study of Anything is challenging me. I can see some of my thoughts that I thought were just normal, are rooted in lies and sin, and I need to let go of what I was taught by the world and fill that space in my mind and heart with God's truths. And it is hard - I mean really hard - and I never thought it would be. It's nice to hear others are being pushed by the Lord as he molds us all. There is comfort in knowing others are staying in His hands as he shapes and molds in order to work through.
ReplyDeleteMarissa
http://forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com
Oh Wow! I can't tell you how much I needed to read this this morning! Thank you for sharing your heart. I don't think you are a weirdo...and if you are, I am one too! I love me a good latte, but not as much as I love Our Savior! I needed this perspective!
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing!! <3
You spoke right to my heart with this post. I was praying to God earlier and I believe you were listening in. :) Thanks for bringing some perspective to something that has been really bothering me lately. When you wrote "I don't want you to be the same. I have another path in mind" it almost seemed like maybe God was speaking the same thing to me too.
ReplyDeleteYou spoke right to my heart with this post. I was praying to God earlier and I believe you were listening in. :) Thanks for bringing some perspective to something that has been really bothering me lately. When you wrote "I don't want you to be the same. I have another path in mind" it almost seemed like maybe God was speaking the same thing to me too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this. This is really inspiring, especially where my husband and I are in our walk with God right now. We are "wrestling with God", so to speak and its not going away. I love what you said about changing your prayer from taking it away to growing in it. Exactly what we need right now. And thank you for having the courage to not give in to the status quo, because you are exactly right. That is not what our world needs and not how we can glorify our King!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Krista, for your encouraging comment. I feel like satan is really attacking Christians right now, and trying to live like the Jones' looks so lovely, but where does God want me to be? What does He want me to be doing? I don't think looking like everyone else and following status quo is what God wants for us or maybe it's just me.
DeletePraying God's wisdom for you and your husband,
Keri