I have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. Or at least that's what I have been told many times by people who know and love me. I just see what is directly and immediately ahead of me and anything else--whether to my right or my left or way behind or in front of me--is out of my range of vision.
The past, well, I don't remember much of it. The future is not something I think much about. Yeah, I pray for my girls' futures and look forward to one day being able to return to school, but I don't really have long-term goals or even short-term ones for that matter. I'm here. In the present. Doing what needs to be done right now. Today. Laundry, fixing meals, changing diapers, cleaning house.
And that's not a bad thing, I don't think. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:34, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I am a worrier, but that is another blog post for another day. Still, even if I'm not worrying about tomorrow, I need to be planning for tomorrow. And not just tomorrow but the days and weeks, months and years afterward.
I need to be more forward-looking and thinking. I know God has great plans for me for my future (Jeremiah 29:11), but I desperately need to stop, breath, pull my head up out of the ground for a minute, breath some more, and search the clouds. And I need to ask God what He wants me to do now, where He wants me to go, and then trust in His wisdom and guidance.
I know God gave me my husband Daniel because He knew that by myself my shortsightedness would get me nowhere fast. Daniel is always thinking about the future even if he doesn't verbalize it to me. It's amazing how different we are and yet how perfectly compatible our differences lend us to each other.
And yet I know that I take him for granted entirely too much. We were watching the Steve Carrell movie Date Night a few months back and were both struck by the idea of married couples losing their intimacy and love for one another and slowly coming to resemble roommates, a change that often comes when children enter the picture. That's what I feel like we are sometimes, just roommates. I run the household affairs and he brings home the bacon. We stay out of each others' way and try to just "get along."
It's easy, for me at least, to be so consumed with Kate and Cora that I only think about Daniel when I need a breather and wonder when he'll be home to relieve me. That's sad but true. And while I don't appreciate him like I should, I love him with all my heart and thank God every day for him, for his selflessness and generosity, his love for his girls and me, and for his ability to see beyond the immediate: to remember when we first met and how I bought a brand new dress just to impress him and to plan ahead for when our girls go to college and it's just us.
As I think right now about the future, I know Daniel will be there, but I don't know how our relationship will look. If it will resemble close roommates or, hopefully, be something much much more spectacular. I do know that right now I need to be working toward improving our relationship so that down the road we are still together, happy, and in love, just like when we first met. Our future depends on what we do RIGHT NOW. And that's what I need to be preparing for.
I love you, Daniel, and I'm sorry for not being who you need me to be.
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